How to retire angry
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(iStock.com/artpuppy) You’ve got years in this pursuit — don’t let your investment slip away by Dave Edmonds Reflecting on all the changes this job has molded into your life and character, most of you see it as a net plus. Sure, there are some minuses, but still … those changes came slowly; even imperceptibly. Now that you’ve earned your bones and are part of America’s vanguard, you take the good with the bad and you wear it all with honor. As a culture, we cops don’t like change. Physically, mentally and emotionally — you’ve worked hard to get to where you’re at. You’re no longer that naive, optimistic, do-gooder with his gun belt riding up around his ribcage, going out to save the day. Nope. You know bullshit when you see it. And the truth is, you see it almost everywhere. But when you retire, might you slip back into that pre-LEO, open-minded, forgiving, anesthetized version of you? Heaven forbid. I’m going to show you how to avoid it. Out on the mean streets and especially inside those (ahem) “safe” walls of our departments, there’s one predictable response to all the unjust, messed-up, real-world garbage that we experience day after day … and that’s anger. You’d think that decades of knowingly working inside the Cop Matrix would have acclimated you to the continuous disappointments in humanity and department “leadership” so that your blood pressure wouldn’t spike every time your lieutenant walks up … every time the victim can’t be talked out of a report … every time the last shift didn’t gas your car … every time a new waitress doesn’t know the discount policy. But since all of these and oh-so-much-more still reliably explode your inner voice with F-bombs, you can thank God for the resiliency of cop anger. It just doesn’t quit. Seeing all we see and doing all we do, anger is our number one go-to emotion. For many of us, it’s even become our defining character trait. But since you don’t like change, just follow my prescriptions and you can be sure that you’ll retire angry, too. Of course, the more that anger influences your thoughts, words and actions now, the better off you’ll be later. So I’ve devised this simple test that will help you determine, between now and retirement, just how much work is in front of you. Answer these three questions to learn where you presently are: In response to the following sentences, choose the answer that most closely fits: A) Take it to the bank; B) A really safe bet; C) Flip a coin; or D) I’m calling B.S. OK, here we go:
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- Pretty much everyone on my beat is an asshole.
- My management is full of incompetent, leg-humping ladder-climbers.
- My patrol efforts virtually never make a difference.
- 12 points: Whether you’ve got four years on the beat or 40, you can retire now. Your stomach acid will keep you warm for decades. 8–11 points: While others might say you’re a passive-aggressive pessimist, you simply see yourself as a cold-hearted realist. You’re relatively safe, but still, you’d be wise to transfer to grave shift in the ghetto beat for your last year. 5–8 points: Hopefully you’re still fairly new? Regardless of the shifts that they’re on, start drinking after work with the cops in your department who have the most IAs, and do it now. 1–4 points: Unless you are in your rookie year, do not skip one thing I’m about to share.
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